...short & sweet...

...another day has come to pass...
...another love has gone at last...



...one wish i have for you...
...is to be loved in all that you do...



...if you decide you want me again...
...i'll be waiting, let's re-begin...

...the end...

it's the end of the world as i know it...
AND I FEEL FINE...

[life] overall, things are good. finally getting to that place of contentment and there are very few people that know how hard it was for me to get here...

[love] there are a few ''prospectives'' in the works... but more importantly i no longer feel like i need 'that' someone. i've finally let go of what i can't have... and stopped losing sleep over someone that will never change... and its amazing how clearly you see people once the blinders of 'love' fade away...

[religion] i'm back to me... believing what i want, and practicing those beliefs how i want, where i want. and that doesn't involve "organized" religion... i gave it a try, it's not me... it was me trying to be who i thought you wanted... but epiphany! its not me and not what i want...

[work] love it! even though working with the fam can be stressful at times overall its great! and though the auction i feel like i've met 40 or so guys that will kick anyones ass for me... it's just a nice feeling...

and that's that. that's my hearts last reply.

its the end of the world as i know it...
AND I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER...

...settelation...

so it's not a real word. don't give me shit about it. i can't have most of the things i want right now so at least let me have a warped vocabulary without prosecution.

[definition] settelation: noun. the process of realizing your world will never be what you want it to be. ; verb. the action of taking what you can get knowing you'll never have what you want.

this is where i'm at.

i don't like it.

i keep myself awake at night wondering what could have been, what should have been, what i did wrong, what i could have done to convince you to stay. so many things i wish i had done. said. provided. maybe if i opened up a bit more. maybe if i let you in.

i'm making myself sick. just the thought of someone elses lips on yours makes my stomach knot up, my throat close up, my teeth grind, my fists ball up and my eyes tear. knowing that you'll give someone else what you once said was mine alone.

i'm tough, but this is rough.

no telling what will take over, my insomnia or my insanity.

neither will be satisfying.

either will be the realization of my final settelation.

...my world...

my world is a wonderful place...

[freedom] freedom to be who you are. no questions asked. to do what you want, when you want. to sleep in and eat breakfast at three o'clock in the afternoon. to love who you want. to live without worry or regret.

just days ago my world was perfect...

[perfection] i had no obligations. no where to be. no schedule. the perfect 'friend' by my side. great food. great company. no worries. sunny days. a cuddle buddy. a 'sparring' partner. my one true love.

and now my world has been turned upside down because of a mutual understanding...

[mutual understanding] the end to my world as i know it. as i want it to be. the end of wishful thinking. the boulevard of broken dreams. the start of a world i'll never be satisfied with. that i'll have to settle for. the start of the end.

:::...i walk this empty street on the boulevard of broken dreams... where the city sleeps and I'm the only one and I walk alone... my shadow's the only one that walks beside me... my shallow heart's the only thing that's beating... sometimes I wish someone out there will find me... 'till then I walk alone...:::

...letting go...

i hate to say it but i'm afraid its true
it's time to begin letting go of you

i can no longer take all the games we play
i can no longer hope that today is the day

no longer will i dream of you each night
no longer will you debate if its wrong or right

i must move on without you
but i love you, you know i do

i hate that we struggle each day
just hoping we can some how find a way

but we've tried, and inside i've died

over and over again, it's time to stop and re-begin




i hate to say it but i'm afraid its true
it's time to begin letting go of you

always remember the beach and our first kiss
your touch, your lips, i will always miss

a random movie and a bottle of wine
the thought of you one day being mine

rolling over to see your beautiful face
feeling my heart continually race

i hate that we struggle each day
just hoping we can some how find a way

but we've tried, and inside i've died

over and over again, it's time to stop and re-begin




i hate to say it but i'm afraid its true
it's time to begin letting go of you

laying on the couch, your arms around me
i don't believe it how could it be

on no level could i deserve you
no way i could be good enough, it's true

i wish there was a way this could be real
my heart was left for you to steal

i hate that we struggle each day
just hoping we can some how find a way

but we've tried, and inside i've died

over and over again, it's time to stop and re-begin




i hate to say it but i'm afraid its true
it's time to begin letting go of you

my heart it hurts once more
never will i love another, it hurts though to my core

you'll go on to find your prince
i wish you all the best, i hope now your life makes sense

no worries i'll be alright
i just can't take another internal fight

i hate that we struggle each day
just hoping we can some how find a way

but we've tried, and inside i've died

over and over again, it's time to stop and re-begin




[alternate ending]



i hate to say it but i'm afraid its true
i'll never be able to let go of you

no matter what you throw my way
i'll dream of us together one day

my heart will always be yours
with you by my side, we'll open life's doors

i long to spend my life with you by my side
better hold on, 'cause it's gonna be a wild ride

i love that we struggle each day
just to try and stay away

but we've tried, and even though i've cried

over and over again, its time to re-begin

my life with you

...i'm done...

[my heart hurts]

...and i can't take it anymore...

...moving on...

i'm not saying never... i'm saying not right now...

i'm not doing it for me... i'm doing it to save you...

people... there are 4 types of people in everyones life...

[1-those you want in your life] these are the people you can't live without... the people that bring a smile to your face anytime you see them, when you hear their voice or even their ringtone... these are the ones you're thankful are in your life and make your life nicer to live on a daily basis... and the ones you'd give your life for...

[2-those you don't] these are the people you wish would leave your life... the ones that make you cringe when you hear their voice, the ones that if you saw in a store you'd run the other way... and the ones that over time have made certain moments in your life a living hell...

[3-those that don't matter] these are the 'fillers'... the people you come across for only a moment in time... the ones you may vaguely recognize out in the world or refer to in conversations as 'remember that one guy at that place that time...'

[4-those you don't even know] these people are like the lottery... once you meet them they could fall into any of the above categories... they could end up being your worst enemy or the love of your life...


[where do we fit in] now take a look from the other side... how do people see you... which category do they put you in... if we all strive to go from 4s to 1s, settle for 3s and avoid 2s... wouldn't this be a better place...

...lyrics...

my mind often thinks in the form of lyrics... not ones i come up with myself... as bad ass as i am, i simply don't have the time to come up with my own lyrics, but thankfully there are people who get paid to come up with them and sound oh so clever and witty for me...

[lyrics]
...
i go around a time or two just to waste my time with you
...
for once in my life, i'm scared to death, i'm taking a chance letting you inside
...
you and me and a bottle of wine, wanna hold you tonight
...
every time that i'm where you are, you walk in and my strength walks out the door
...
so now maybe after all these years, if you miss me have no fear, i'll be here, i'll be waiting
...
i think you know that it's true, i'd run a thousand mile to get you
...
every little thing that we do, let's keep between me and you
...
everyday i wanna pick up the phone and tell you that you're everything i need and more
...
i've been pacing and retracing every step of every move
...
i'll get over you i know i will, i'll pretend my ships not sinking and i'll tell myself i'm over you
...
when you smile at me you know exactly what you do
...
can't you see that i wanna be there with open arms
...
there are many things that i would like to say to you but i don't know how
...
it's something unpredictable but in the end it's right, i hope you had the time of your life
...
because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever
...
its been awhile but all that shit seems to disappear when i'm with you
...
i know some people search the world to find something like what we have
...
and if you were out walking would you call my name? cause you know i'd come running
...
as you move on remember me, remember us and all we used to be
...
you're not sure that you love but you're not sure enough to let me go
...
i tear my heart open, i sell myself shy, and my weakness is that i care to much
...
i ain't gonna cry, not gonna beg you to stay, if you're determined to leave, i will not stand in your way
...
let me be the one you call, if you jump i will break your fall, lift you up and fly away with you into the night
...
doesn't matter what your friends are telling you, doesn't matter what my family's saying too, it just matters that i'm in love with you, it only matter that you love me too
...
let me sleep, for when i sleep, i dream that you are here, you're mine, and all my fears are left behind
...
cuz every time we touch i get this feeling and every time we kiss i swear i can fly
...
but i gotta think twice before i give my heart away, and i know all the games you play cuz i play them too
...
whose to know if your soul will fade at all, the one you sold to fool the world
...
in your arms, i can still feel the way you want me when you hold me
...
until the day i die, i promise i wont change so you better give up, i don't wanna be told to grow up, and i dont wanna change, i just wanna have fun
...
but there's nothing i can do, i only wanna be with you, you can call me a fool, but i only wanna be with you
...
sayin you love but you don't, you give your love but you won't
...
when i close my eyes just to see your face, i wish this for real, but i'm just dreaming
...
anger and agony is better than misery, trust me i've got a plan, when the lights go out you'll understand
...
you can kiss me in the moonlight, on the rooftop under the stars
...
i feel her breath in my face, her body close to me, can't look her eyes, she's outta my league
...



is it weird that all of this can be going through my mind simultaneously... requires a certain level of insanity and a lot of scrolling marquees...

: )

...censorism...

i am a very real person. i put a lot of things out there and let people take from them what they will. plain and simple.

[point] i don't blog for ::my readers:: first of all there are maybe 2 people that check to see if i've added anything new on a somewhat regular basis... second of all, even if i broadcast on national news that i had a new post, i may have a handful of people take the time to look it up... people are may more consumed in their own lives than mine and rightfully so, i feel the same way, hence why i have an entire page about me and my thoughts...

[point] i blog for me. period. i don't blog for you to ::know:: me, i don't blog for you or because i want you to read it or because i want to say things i won't say to your face. anything i write, i'd look anyone in the eye and own up to. i blog for me. i do it as a way to record the thoughts flying through my mind at warp speed on scrolling marquees... i do it as a small gesture to let those who care enough to read it a little deeper into the black hole of my thoughts...

[point] if you don't want to be included in my blogs, my thoughts, don't be in my life. i'm very cautious about what i say and how it's worded. i would never intentionally give away information that i know ::you:: don't want the world to know. you'll notice that names are left out, locations are left out, specifics in general are left out. i don't blog to make others uncomfortable, i blog to make myself more comfortable.

[in closing] is it really ::that:: big of a deal... does it really bother you ::that:: much, or is it this post, this blog that's gonna be the breaking point. i will not censor what i write any more than i already do, i will not avoid stating my thoughts or feelings, this is my release, let me have it... especially since that's all i can have...

...time for something new...

we all reach certain points in our lives where we realize things arent going the way we hoped... that's where i'm at now... so in an effort to try to talk my way through the scrolling marquees in my head and make sense of them all, the following is going to be a series of rambling that you may or may not be able to follow regarding things currently going on in my life...

[work] i hate my job. with a passion. after week one i decided that i wanted to go back to school to get my MBA so that i could surround myself with half way intelligent goal oriented people with a vocabulary that spans beyond the work ::fuck:: so what to do... i could stick it out for 6 months or so to add it to my resume and end up with a perpetual migraine and a hole in my tongue from constantly biting it... that's one option... i could stick it out until i find the next best thing, and potentially have the same problem... that's like being shot and saying ::thank you sir may i have another::, also could be fun... or option 3... quit tomorrow. work for the family business while throughly exploring all of my options and only accepting one that is genuinely right for me. tough call.

[school] as stated above i want to go back for my MBA now and UCF is kind enough to offer the 4 pre-requisites i need over the span on ONE YEAR, and they idiots?!?! and knowing me, i know i won't drive all the way over to the main campus for one stupid class. solution? take more classes. so while in the process of taking my 4 pre-reqs i'm also going to be taking the 6 classes i need for a minor in international business. okay so that seems pretty simple. now the tough part which kinda can't be decided until the [work] thing is figured out. do i take one full year off of work to get my MBA knocked out in a year or do i work while doing my MBA and it take 33 months to complete it... can't i just marry into the bacardi family...

[love] ummm...yeah. i'm gonna go with overrated... what's the point of loving someone if you can't shout it from the rooftops, if you can't show it by randomly showing up at their doorstep with flowers and carmel apples with nuts... if you can't wrap your arms around them as you're walking in the freezing cold to see a movie... if you can't sit across from them at dinner and hold their hand.... if you can't kiss them goodbye without looking to see who might be watching... what's the point... the point is, that despite all of that, i still love you, i still crave you, and i'd still do anything for you... even if that means only loving you in the shadows...

[religion] i've never been an overly religious person, i went to sunday school with my grandma when i was little, i do own a bible, and can recite a few passages, but that's about it. until recently. many things led up to this but this year i started attending church again for the first time in nearly 10 years. i'm still me, i still have the same beliefs and skepticisms, but i finally found a place that i can go where they don't care how i dress, how much money i have, what my profession is, how many tattoos i have, who i love, what kind of car i drive... all they care about is that i'm there... and that has made all the difference...

[family] my family is amazing, that's the one part of my life that is pleasantly confusing... my parents as always are traveling and spending my inheritance, as well they should, i've spent a lot of it myself... my mom just got a new motortrike, they're working on the property they own in TN, looking for land down here to expand their business on and i couldn't be prouder of them... my brother as well... he has grown up exponentially over the past 7 months or so with a baby fast approaching... on april 10, 2008 my family and i will welcome into the work kiki anais noir, my first niece...

[friends] i have the best friends anyone could ever ask for. i wish my life allowed me to spend more time with each and everyone of them but i know, if ever i need them they're there and i hope they know the same of me. my bestest friend in the whole wide world i love to death and though it all, all 19 years of our friendship, we've been hand in hand for the hard stuff, the sad stuff, and the ridiculously insane FFFT-like stuff... we've been through forks in the eye, 3rd degree sunburns, green hair, stingrays and jellyfish, black baby tees, toga parties and so, so much more...

[in closing] life is chaotic journey that i believe will one day take me to where i'm happy to go to work each day, satisfied with my educational achievements, openly in love with ::the one::, comfortable in my religious views, and surrounded by loving family and friends...

...friends...

first of all, let me apologize for the lack of posts in recent past...i've been super busy being a bad ass...

now on to today's topic: [friends]

[in the generalness of the word] - lots of people call me their friend and who could blame them...i'm kind of a big deal, but of course i don't have to tell you that, you already know... on the other hand there are only a select group of individuals who i refer to as my friends and they know who they are... my close friends i can count on one hand, each of them are amazing in their own way and i know more about most of them than they would ever admit...

[more than friends] - in any romantic relationship, friendship is key... being able to act like an idiot, make mistakes, and so on and still know that at the end of the day they'll be there to drink a glass of wine with on the couch, eat breakfast with you for dinner, wrap their arms around you and make you feel like nothing could be better...