...settelation...

so it's not a real word. don't give me shit about it. i can't have most of the things i want right now so at least let me have a warped vocabulary without prosecution.

[definition] settelation: noun. the process of realizing your world will never be what you want it to be. ; verb. the action of taking what you can get knowing you'll never have what you want.

this is where i'm at.

i don't like it.

i keep myself awake at night wondering what could have been, what should have been, what i did wrong, what i could have done to convince you to stay. so many things i wish i had done. said. provided. maybe if i opened up a bit more. maybe if i let you in.

i'm making myself sick. just the thought of someone elses lips on yours makes my stomach knot up, my throat close up, my teeth grind, my fists ball up and my eyes tear. knowing that you'll give someone else what you once said was mine alone.

i'm tough, but this is rough.

no telling what will take over, my insomnia or my insanity.

neither will be satisfying.

either will be the realization of my final settelation.

...my world...

my world is a wonderful place...

[freedom] freedom to be who you are. no questions asked. to do what you want, when you want. to sleep in and eat breakfast at three o'clock in the afternoon. to love who you want. to live without worry or regret.

just days ago my world was perfect...

[perfection] i had no obligations. no where to be. no schedule. the perfect 'friend' by my side. great food. great company. no worries. sunny days. a cuddle buddy. a 'sparring' partner. my one true love.

and now my world has been turned upside down because of a mutual understanding...

[mutual understanding] the end to my world as i know it. as i want it to be. the end of wishful thinking. the boulevard of broken dreams. the start of a world i'll never be satisfied with. that i'll have to settle for. the start of the end.

:::...i walk this empty street on the boulevard of broken dreams... where the city sleeps and I'm the only one and I walk alone... my shadow's the only one that walks beside me... my shallow heart's the only thing that's beating... sometimes I wish someone out there will find me... 'till then I walk alone...:::